Nightmare

This month has been the worst month of my life. And that is saying a lot, because I have had some bad ones. I wake up in the morning and for a split second, everything is a blank slate, I don't recall the details of what I am worried about, or that I have any worries at all.

And then it all hits me, the knowledge I now know. What I did not know one month prior, and I am terrified and consumed and fearful and I don't know why I should get out of bed. Or once I do, how I will quiet my mind all day. I feel like I stuck in a constant state of fear and panic and sadness.

I feel like I want to change everything all at once. I want to move South, I want to leave Maryland, I want to travel, I want to pack up everything and start with a clean slate. My husband wants to change nothing and we are fighting like cage fighters about every decision. We've fought about the bank accounts, my Sephora purchase, Valentine's Day, last Christmas, living wills, current wills, healthcare power of attorney, going to the Olypmics (long story), going to dinner, our gym membership, taking off work, moving to a state that allows physician assisted suicide, Ethan's private school and selling my car. Oh, and the snow on our roof. Nobody wins, no decisions are made, but we go to bed exhausted and spent from the process. Every single night.

I am floored by what has snuck up on me. All of a sudden, my left hand skills fine motor skills appear to be gone. I cannot button things, tie my son's shoes, and I don't know how many wine glasses I have dropped in the past week. My hands shake, my muscles twitch and I am in fear of what my own body has in store for me down the road. When I drink with my left hand, my brain does not know where my mouth is, I end up six inches from my destination and pour water down my shirt. I forget this happens and do this at least twice a day.

I know I should be enjoying each day, but that is a trite expression, and to try and live it is a lot harder when you are watching everything crumble around you. My words are occasionally slurred, each time that happens I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. My creative mind seems intact, but I cannot spell and I do not know the rules of grammar. (Grammer?) I cannot read aloud. Writing seems .... hard.

And, then there are the big moments, when I am so stunned and saddened that I sit there in shock and try to process all I have lost. And all that I still have to lose. At dinner the other night, a friend asked where my son had gone to kindergarten, and I did not know. I could not come up with the name of his school. Nor could I remember what grade my son is in now.

My neurosurgeon is stalking me because my MRI was rescheduled due to the blizzard. My brain is so screwed up, I KNOW but I cannot handle knowing. I was ready to cope with all of this, and then when it got pushed back, I could not cope anymore. Like I had a finite date in mind, and the lack of control and having to adjust to that was too much. And now I cannot get it together.

I would like to say I have been handling this all with grace and dignity. I have not. I have snapping at my husband, at my son, and prone to crying fits of unimaginable power. I hurt. This weekend was the worst, I could not wrap my head around my mind and quiet it all down and I broke. I wept so hard and for so long that I ruptured a blood vessel in my eye. And then I wept about that. And then THAT hurt.

To say I am feeling like life is unfair these days does not even scratch the surface of the pain. I read a book at Alzheimer's and got upset that the man dying was well in his 70's and had lived a long life *(he's so lucky to be old!), I watched that movie about that dying kid that needs parts from her sister and thought, she's so lucky to be able to say goodbye to her family and not have her brain affected. I am thinking a kid with cancer is lucky. I know. Don't judge me.

And now I am off to an appointment with my therapist. I am happy for that.