A repost, below, from 2010, because I am feeling lazy and hazy and full of cotton candy (dinner).Most still apply. Minus the married part. But now I have a NEW one, thanks to KK and her fairy-tale wed/ivorce spectacular that she treated the publishers of US Weekly to this year.
I will get married for 73 days in 2012, not because I have a burning desire to wed again or have more babies, but because I do like a good party. So, I've decided that while I could handle 73 days, ten years was just too damn long. I am working on that ... as for the rest, all still in effect. Cheers to 2012, my friends!
In case you missed the memo, it is now a whole new decade. You know what this time of year means? Changes. Soul-searching and such. Resolutions, people.
I have given serious thought as to what I should aspire in 2010. After much internal grappling, I have come to terms with the fact that there are certain changes that must happen in my life during this year.
My goals are still very much evolving, but I would like to share my working short list.
- Gain Fifteen Pounds. When I got married eight-plus years ago, I did so with pure intentions and a good heart. For true love. And so I could stop the dating bullshit and finally wear some comfortable underwear. (Really, Victoria's Secret execs? What sort of sadist invented the thong? And Wonderbras are HOT. Not hot - like looking good - but hot like cause under-the-boob sweat. Take note.) Besides the lingerie goals, I also looked forward to Mrs. Status so that I could finally eat more then 150 calories in one sitting. While the most astute of you might counter that I have, indeed, put on a little weight since walking down the aisle, I would like to counter-counter that I am still several pounds away from my Let Myself Go All To Hell See This Wedding Band, Bitches! goal weight. So, 2010, you just bring on that brie and crab dip. And keep it coming, I'll have three servings. Before noon.
- Start Smoking. A pulmonologist is one of the few doctors not in my personal medical roster of obscure specialists. I feel like I might be missing out on something here. What do they DO in a pulmonologist's office? I want to make sure I am embracing all that life has to offer, health insurance-wise, anyhow.
- Exercise Less. Really. Who likes the gym? (See #1.)
- Hold Grudges. There are people in my life that did "things" to me - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! - over ten years ago. While certain people may have thought that I had let such things go - YOU! I AM TALKING TO YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID! - and moved past them, I have not. We only have so many days on this earth. And if you think that for one minute, I will not spend it focusing on petty, trivial matters from a decade ago, then you - YES! YOU! - have another think coming. YOU: Know that I have not forgotten, nor forgiven. I just got bored of talking about it in 2000.
- Focus On Things In Life That Truly Matter: Read: Drinking heavily, spending excessively on frivolous consumer goods and cultivating unguarded envy for those material items that people around me have and I don't. And shoes.
- Give Less To Charity. See above. Must afford frivolous consumer goods somehow.
- Spend Time On More Meaningful And Fulfilling Endeavors. Like watching reality television marathons of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Or The Real Housewives Of Orange County. Both are equally important to today's society and good White House dinner conversation fodder, in case the Obamas call.
In the true spirit of resolutions, I am still in the draft stages, so feel free to add suggestions of your own.
PS Happy New Year to all!
PPS Except not to YOU. YOU are not included in that blanket greeting. And YOU know why. Stop giving me that look.
15 comments:
You're a genius!
Last year's resolutions were unattainable (lose weight, unplug myself from the interwebs long enough to acknowledge my children, be nice to my husband). I set myself up for failure! That's no way to start a new year!
Cheers to you!
I love this post! These are the best resolutions ever. I resolve not to be nicer because I think it is more important that I stay true to myself. (Thank you - this is so much fun!)
I think what needs to be learned here is that any of life's problems can be solved with booze and cheese. Am I correct?*
*Notice I never said I disagreed.
Sarah - You are very smart, and I think you are close, but a more accurate statement might be, "All of life's problems can be solved by booze and cheese AND Kardashians." And if you apply the MODG logic - by extension - also by shoes and toilets.
But, booze, cheese and Kardashians - def. top three. Defense Department? Call me. I have some ideas on how to better national security.
i like your resolutions list better than anyone i have seen yet. i don't typically like resolutions, but i could get on board with these
Since I am a real housewife of Orange County, I would say your list rocks!
Now these are resolutions even I can bank on. Bank it.
I hate the gym and all forms of exercising.
I like food, though. :)
These are the best resolutions I've seen. I could probably even keep them! Especially the gaining weight part. And not exercising part. And more shoes part. Heck, pretty much all of them!
Ha funnny stuff. With the "give less to charity" I immediately thought of the Seinfeld episode involving George and the "Human Fund."
Hahahahaha LOVE IT. I'm onboard.
You are brilliant..and hysterical.
Beautiful.
And if you hadn't mentioned that part about the lime green eye shadow ... I never would have guessed it wasn't you.
Happy New Year!
ROFL I also plan to spend more time catching up on all the tv I've missed by actually getting off my butt this past year and being productive.
Very funny. Finally resolutions that we can stick with. Just FYI, if you're ever looking for a pulmonologist, here is NJ we have Gene the pulmonologist who makes the women BREATHLESS. Green eyes and no stranger to the weight machines for sure. VERY HOT and
a soft spoken guy too. Everytime he puts the stethoscope on me, I'm sure my heart is going pitter-pat!
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