I feel like I have been ripped in two. This is the hardest day of my life.
My husband moved out this weekend and we started the legal process today. The pain of this is unreal. I cannot believe I used to do this for a living, family law proceedings are something that serial killers should be forced to undergo as punishment.
The short version is that I got a (maybe) terminal diagnosis in Fall 2009. My second, if you keep track of such things, which I tend to. The time was very important to me, again, because I am detail-oriented like that. Maybe three years minus these past fourteen months. Maybe five years minus these past fourteen months. Maybe less minus these past fourteen months. Who knows? But who's counting! Be happy! Live each day!
I don't know how we got here, nor do I know how to fix it. The stress has not brought out the best in either of us. Instead of bonding in that Lifetime movie way with rainbows and unicorns, we've spent that time fighting like cage fighters. We've spent hours fighting over how much hypothetical time I might have left, what my neurological symptoms mean, where to go on vacation, who is the better parent, who will clean the house, whether or not I should still be a lawyer, how my husband works too much and how I spend too much money.
Now we will have the lawyers spend $50,000 -- really? $600 an hour?! I can assure you that even at my cognitive peak, nothing out of my mouth has ever been worth that amount of money -- to tell us who is the better parent, and that I spend too much money. And then we will both be financially and emotionally devastated. I can't wait. Then I can die happy.
This afternoon, I rushed from court in heels and dressier clothes than I normally wear, fixed my smudged mascara, adjusted my two-sizes-too-small wonky pantyhose and bolted in to pick up my second grader from school. He saw my stockings and asked "why I was dressed for a wedding?" I guess I should probably send an email of explanation to his teacher about why I started sobbing in the hallway outside of his classroom. For thirty minutes.
What do you do with fourteen years of shared history? How do you explain to your seven-year-old that Daddy won't be coming home from his "business trip"? Who is going to take out the trash now? Most importantly, how in the the hell do I stop crying?
My husband moved out this weekend and we started the legal process today. The pain of this is unreal. I cannot believe I used to do this for a living, family law proceedings are something that serial killers should be forced to undergo as punishment.
The short version is that I got a (maybe) terminal diagnosis in Fall 2009. My second, if you keep track of such things, which I tend to. The time was very important to me, again, because I am detail-oriented like that. Maybe three years minus these past fourteen months. Maybe five years minus these past fourteen months. Maybe less minus these past fourteen months. Who knows? But who's counting! Be happy! Live each day!
I don't know how we got here, nor do I know how to fix it. The stress has not brought out the best in either of us. Instead of bonding in that Lifetime movie way with rainbows and unicorns, we've spent that time fighting like cage fighters. We've spent hours fighting over how much hypothetical time I might have left, what my neurological symptoms mean, where to go on vacation, who is the better parent, who will clean the house, whether or not I should still be a lawyer, how my husband works too much and how I spend too much money.
Now we will have the lawyers spend $50,000 -- really? $600 an hour?! I can assure you that even at my cognitive peak, nothing out of my mouth has ever been worth that amount of money -- to tell us who is the better parent, and that I spend too much money. And then we will both be financially and emotionally devastated. I can't wait. Then I can die happy.
This afternoon, I rushed from court in heels and dressier clothes than I normally wear, fixed my smudged mascara, adjusted my two-sizes-too-small wonky pantyhose and bolted in to pick up my second grader from school. He saw my stockings and asked "why I was dressed for a wedding?" I guess I should probably send an email of explanation to his teacher about why I started sobbing in the hallway outside of his classroom. For thirty minutes.
What do you do with fourteen years of shared history? How do you explain to your seven-year-old that Daddy won't be coming home from his "business trip"? Who is going to take out the trash now? Most importantly, how in the the hell do I stop crying?
31 comments:
I have been sitting here trying to think of something to say and coming up with nothing that should be said in a comment....I will email you instead.
I just realised I dont have your email....
Oh my. My heart is breaking for you. Have you tried counselling first? Please try. My marriage was falling apart around the same timeline. We went for intensive counselling and have made it through twenty more years. And we have been happy even though we've had ups and major downs.
My heart is breaking for you. Pls try counselling first before you give up on 14 years. Please.
my heart is going out to you. My dear friend I wish I had magical words that would take away your pain. I can so relate to you about situations that should bring people together yet for some reason it tears them apart. I wander through the thought of statistics on how relationships often do not survive through such situations ... I tell myself , but Mr.g and I meant after my accident ... but the reality is that it is that often spouses are in some form of denial and thus cannot and do not understand our melt downs; our out of control actions; our need for independence and dependence simountansely.... I'm sorry if this comment is all over the place... your post hit very close to home and I just wanted to say .. I don't know what you are going through - as all situations, no matter how similar, are different - but I wanted to say I understand and it was very courageous of you to be so open ... as many of us face these challenging times and feel alone.. know that you are not alone!!! please feel free to email me fallingoffahighheeledlife@gmail.com I may not have answers, or advise but I can be very supportive and do understand. xo HHL
I am so sorry for your loss -- for a loss it is. You were already in my prayers for the physical issues; I'll add prayers for your comfort and strength. And for answers to what to tell your son.
Not to be weird, but so you know it's an option, I'm home most days if you need someone on the other end of the phone/email.
I am so sorry to hear this bad news. Sending you good thoughts of courage and strength.
I am praying for you.
i discovered your blog while trying to cope with my husbands diagnoses of multiple myeloma. reading it has helped me so much - your wisdom, courage, compassion, love and honesty have been an inspiration. now, i wish so much i could say or do something for you. it just isn't fair that you have to endure such loss, trauma and heartache. but another quality you have shown so brilliantly is resourcefullness, both internal and external. that and the love from so many friends and family will help you pick up the pieces. i wish you comfort and strength and the courage to continue to express your thoughts and feelings. love, xoxo, one who cares
I was having trouble sleeping and decided to check up on some blogs when I read this. I am just so overwhelmed by the pain that you must be feeling right now. I can't even imagine. I know that you're not really religious, but I am, so instead of worrying about tax law, I'm going to spend the rest of the night praying for you and your husband and your son, until I fall asleep.
My heart is just breaking for you. I'm so, so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom, and I doubt my words could bring you much comfort either. If I was closer physically, I'd buy you coffee and hug you and let you cry until you couldn't anymore...or vent or yell or scream or even just sit there silently, holding your hand. Do you have a good support group? Do you go to church? What about your family outside your husband? Friends? I really, really think you need to let yourself lean on them right now. They're what will pull you through this. That's how it was with my divorce. Please know my offer of a cyber hug is real. *hug*
=( This breaks my heart. I've been through the same thing... just I didn't have kids involved... which I am sure only makes it 100x's harder for you.
Just know that you are going to have bad days.... but you will also have some good days.
Take one day at a time... it may not seem like it now but, things will get better. =)
I am so sorry. Ugh, I don't have anything better to say.
I'm thinking of you and hoping that no matter what happens, you find yourself on a path that leads you to happiness and peace.
My heart just breaks for you and your little guy. I am so sad for you. I don't know if you've tried counseling as other suggested. We did and it didn't work out. But it did make the divorce process, as devastating as it was, civil. Because we had learned how to communicate better during the counseling. As far as legal expenses, coming from another lawyer, please consider mediation first. Cuts the cost in half since you are both seeing the same mediator. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.
I am so sorry. I'm about to go to mediation in an hour for my stepson to try and salvage a little bit of his broken life. He's also 7. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. It is the worst possible thing in the world to experience. Please hang tight to the love that you DO have in your life. I hope your family can be there for you to support you. And turn to us! You have people who care about you here. Again, I'm so sorry.
i'm sorry. it doesn't sound like you need this now. not that any time is a good time. i wish i had something helpful to offer.
Reading this post just filled me with a terrible amount of sadness. So much sadness; I cried for you too! I hope you are doing OK under circumstances and that your boy is doing well! I have no words of advise and wisdom, because I never had to deal with so many and grave challenges at the same time in my lifetime! I don't know how you manage to keep a job down while dealing with all of this.
My heart goes out to you. You are loved, being thought of, and prayed for. Oh so sorry. You are an amazing woman and I'm sorry for this loss. Each day, get up and be the best person you can be. And don't kick your days for when you aren't, just pledge to do better the next. Act out of love and not anger as often as you can. These things you know, I'm just filling space, trying to think of some useful way of saying that I'm so so sorry.
XOXO HUGS!
Hi, I have never commented on your blog. I have been reading it for about 6 months. I too have become recently seperated from my husband per his choice. On Nov 1 he had me move out. He set me up in a rented home. On the 18 of Jan it will be 16 years. I had met my husband in high school and have known him for over 27 years. My heart goes out to you and to your children. HOPE!!
Oh, that just sucks. I'm so sorry.
So very sorry. Loving thoughts to you and your son.
Jenny, I just saw your post, I'm so sorry. I also wish I had the words for healing, and for Ethan.
I was going to attempt some form of compassionate comment but they were either too long or too inept so...
remember this...
http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/2010/11/true.html
xx
SO sorry to hear about your situation. I follow your blog on and off - depending on work. I'm only a litigation paralegal but I have been doing it for about 11years now. If you think I can be of any help, please let me know. Of course, for free. I won't waist your time with the stuff that I have and have not done currently - since I don't know if would be of any use but I do like to do Resaerch and Dealing with the Courts.
Change is not easy - especially after all this time but you will get through it - you have your son and hopefully, eventually you and your partner can work things out for the best !
You are a very strong wome!!
stronger than me :)
Very sorry to hear this. Medical problems are very hard on relationships. I think divorce is so common that people don't realize what a huge loss it is.
Keep on doing the "one step in front of the other" thing. It's all you can do.
Obviously, I've been in and out. I'm so sorry I missed this when posted. I don't have any special or magic words. Just lots of love and prayers and wishes for peace...I wish it was more, but it's as heartfelt as you can imagine.
All my love,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox
Please let us know how you are. I am thinking about you constantly. Just a comment: "I'm okay"; "I'm not okay, but I will make it"; "I'm okay if only my best friend (not husband) will call". Whatever. I am worried about you and I don't even know you!!
You are a stranger to me but I am sobbing at your post. Because I've had that same fight more often than I care to admit. Because he spends too much time at work and I spend too much money. Because we're both litigator and sometimes instead of conversations we have cross-examinations. Because I want to throw his MFing Blackberry through the window the next time he checks it at a family dinner.
We're only 7 years in. What will another 7 do to us?
Hugs and prayers and chardonnay sent your way.
I have read your blog on and off for a while (2-time cervical cancer survivor here). Your post about your marriage made me sad, and made me think. During my first cancer stint, DH (dear or damn husband, depending on the day)and I were all light-hearted about the adventure and my recovery (we joking shopped for a new wife for him, etc.). Not that it was easy, but we felt connected through it. During the 2nd (and much more brutal) battle, we were ... distant. I almost felt like he was sort of unhappy that I was still here. And I felt guilty for putting us into this (like cancer was within my control). We bumped along. I went into remission, we went into counseling, and it is still ... distant. Now that I feel better, I think about our marriage (30+ years) and wonder if this is enough. I have not walked through the pain of an actual separation, but I live daily with the pain of an emotional one. I ask myself how much time do I have left to plow into this, versus putting my energies elsewhere? Eh. No answers for me yet. Hope you are feeling well and coping as best you can. I am thinking of you, and praying for you. ~j.
Hi Jenny,
It's been 25 years since we last talked. We were BFF in 4th/5th grade until I moved. But you have been on my mind lately and I recently ran across a letter I have kept all these years that you wrote to me not long after I moved. So today at work I decided to look you up and see if I could find you. I've spent that last hour or so reading over you blog and catching up with your life through the past few years. First off, you are as beautiful now as you were then. That smile!!! Never could forget that. You still have that sense of humor that I loved about you. And you also spoke of Chris S. in one of your blogs and boy did that bring up a lot of memories for me. I've sat here and smiled and been teary eyed through out your blog. Life is never easy, that's for sure. But I just wanted you to know that a friend from long ago is out here and I wish I could give you a hug and make everything better. I just hope knowing that I am thinking of you will put a smile on your face today. I know just seeing your pictures put a smile on mine and let me relive some happy moments in life. Take Care!
This breaks my heart too. We have 13 years of fighting under our belts. I've just ruined six months worth of contacts in about eight weeks. I have a first grader. I empathize as best I can. I guess maybe I want you to know that you are not alone in the heartache and pain...I hope that helps. I don't know...my heart is breaking for you. I am so, so very sorry.
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