I used to get paid to worry. One of the firm's partners used to tell our clients, "This is not your problem to worry about. You have retained us to worry about all of this for you." And then we - meaning, the associates (the partner would go home to dinner, Tivo and a warm bed) -us associates would order Thai in and begin the process of the all-night client worry, in the form of writing or research or case analysis. For the bargain rate of $350/hour; you do the math.
But there is work worry. And there is LIFE WORRY. The sick to your stomach worry. I am at the latter end of the spectrum and do not know how to rein it in. I am consumed by these thoughts and having a hell of a time getting through the day.
I am not one to mince words, so I am just going to blurt this out. I have an early February appointment at Hopkins where the goal will be to tell me if I am dying. I am thirty-four. I have a six-year-old kid. This is not how I planned things.
Medically, based on recent test results, I have been advised by the medical people that matter, there is 50% chance that I am. Dying. 50/50 that I will learn that I am dying from this brain thing I will not discuss in medical terms right now. A coin toss.
No, I am not going to get into the details - the hows, whens, whys - because, right now, I just don't feel like it. It does not matter, the end result is the same. Dead versus not dead. Clearly, the first option is limiting.
I have had a few of those sobbing, crumpled on the bathroom floor, unable to move or breathe moments over the past week. And I am wondering if this time I will break until I shatter?
17 comments:
"Dead versus not dead. Clearly, the first option is limiting."
That sentence is funny & poignant simultaneously.
I, an absolute stranger on the internet, am going to light a candle and hope you fall more to the "not dead" end of the spectrum. Might not help, but it can't hurt.
I think there is more "glue" inside you to repair the breakage than you can fathom. But I do understand the sentiment of wondering how much will be too much.
Will be hoping for the best for you.
I'm praying for you.
The fact that you are not paralyzed by worry at the moment is a testament to your strength. I am praying for good news in February.
I am hoping and praying too. From AG, another mommy.
You certainly seem completely alive to me. I think you heart is busting through your words. And in my book that counts as a lot more alive than any diagnosis. So I say you are ALIVE, enjoy it, its a great feeling.
And if you are still worrying you can hire me to worry for you, and I will only charge $250/hr.
I'm just kidding. In my prayers.
You won't break. We won't let you. Your internet friends, your real life friends, won't let you. We are here for you and if that means you need us to prop you up for bit, we will do that. That is what we are here for.
I know it's hard and I wish I could say the right thing, and do the right thing - but I don't know what that is, but I want you to know how loved you are and how much my heart breaks when I read this.
I am in the positive thinking camp and maybe that is the optimist in me - maybe the blonde, but definitely not the lawyer. So life is for the living - so let's live it - girl's night, wine, spa days, dancing, travel - whatever you need to make it another day.
Hugs!
What.The.FUG?
Even though it's only 10am, I would invite you over for martinis to talk and laugh and cry if you wanna.
I have learned something about us strong women. We don't shatter.
You won't shatter.
Sending all of my positive energy your way, dear.
And I'm glad I made you laugh this morning, hore.
XO
Emily
I vote and have always voted for Not Dead. I'll send this in print form to the Big Man Upstairs. :)
Fuck Palsgraf. You've come this far so you're obviously not made of eggshells. Or if so, you're one of those magic Harry Potter solid as a rock dragon eggs that don't break. You've fought hard and are an inspiration. You make me laugh every day. Worrying is normal, that means you've got great things going on in your life. Enjoy them! And since I'm a lawyer (and a worrier) as well, I will worry (and pray) for you too.
Jenny....you know there are few things in the world I want these days. One, absolutely unattainable. Period. Limited, as you said.
One, though...one--that your appointment is one of hope and reassurance and GOOD NEWS. How I will pray for you in the next weeks and pray for your anxiety--God knows I know that alone can make one miserable.
BIG hugs to you friend!!!
My heart is breaking for you. I am so hoping that your 50/50 goes upward significantly in February. Don't forget -- no one who would have been around at the time would have called a win for Palsgraff. On the contrary, you deserve to win this fight!
My thoughts and prayers, always!
Jenny, You are in my prayers. My heart hurts for your anxiety and the questions that are waiting for answers. I hope you find strength in all those that are praying for you.
I am so glad you wrote this. This is a good start. It is perfect-it is real, it is you & it is honest. BTW, Luke thinks you should write a book.
Right now, there are no words that can make this better besides a doctor's.
You might not realize it, but in some ways, you have shattered. And then you put on your designer sunglasses & baseball cap & buy bagels - so the glass may be broken, but you repair it. This will be the loop of your life for a while. Wine should be added to this loop though!
We love you & want to help repair the glass sometimes, ok?
Blessings and many hugs for you.
Jenny,
I'm SO sorry you're going through this:(:(:( Many times in reading your blog I've wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and praying for you. You have brought me to tears and you've made me laugh out loud with your blog entries. You obviously have a ton of people who care for you, and now I pray that we, your friends and family, can help you through this. You are NOT alone--please know that you can reach out to us for whatever you might need.
HUGS!!!HUGS!!!HUGS!!!HUGS!!!HUGS!!!
-Carmen
I started reading your blog several days ago (from Lori's blog). I've actually belly laughed at a fair number of your posts. While I did my own coin toss for the smart-aleck comment (involving a clever take on "Marley was dead; to begin with"), the oh-my-gosh-my-eyes-are-stinging-influenced comment won. So I'll tell you that prayers are headed His way for your peace as you wait and for His mercy when the answer comes.
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