Well-Groomed

I am trying to compile an executive summary of tests/etc for my appointment tomorrow. All this medical nonsense started last summer, when out of the blue I was having problems with motor skills, like walking up the steps and picking up things and I just started to feel icky, all the time. I also had some speech issues. Once in court, I was called to the bench because I slurred my speech and the judge inquired whether I had been drinking. That, of course, was a ridiculous question. It was 9 am - I mean, I am a professional, it is absurd to think I would drink before a morning court appearance. Every good attorney knows the rule that cocktails are for NOON or later ... So, I started going to the doctor (to address the odd symptoms, not the drinking problem).

I started with my internist; conclusion: I was "stressed, working full-time, and a mom." Hmm ... is that diagnosis in the Mayo book? Then I saw a rheumatologist (Fibromyalgia? Lupus?). Then I saw a neurologist (infection? Lyme Disease? Myasthenia Gravis? MS?). I have complied quite the volume of medical records in the past year or so ... which I am now trying to put together and highlight, in pertinent part, for the "new guy."

If you have never had the pleasure of reading through your medical records, I highly recommend it as a fun activity for a rainy day. I never knew I was under such scrutiny when I went to the doctor. Some highlights:

"Patient is a pleasant 31-year old woman" [Well - that is nice!] "Patient is mother to a 3-old son, who has food allergies and asthma." [Ok - true.] The notes continue, "Patient works 60-70 hours per week, occasionally more if preparing for trial. Patient admits to a poor diet, infrequent exercise, excessive caffeine consumption, and occasionally heavy social drinking." Wow. He left out the part about how, "Patient enjoys littering in public places, as a hobby. Patient does not recycle, donate to charity or serve food to homeless people on holidays. Patient also admits to clubbing baby seals for recreation on weekends."

Here is another good, if perplexing, clinical note:

"Patient is extremely well-groomed." WTH? I cannot recall any special "doctor" preparations - did I have a fresh mani/pedi, a good hair day, a bikini wax in the shape of a unicorn?

And my favorite:

"Patient is well-nourished." Ok - well - that is a bit harsh. I suppose it is time to renew that gym membership.

Now - if you'll excuse me - I am off to lose 10 lbs, get my highlights touched up and kick my coffee/wine habit before my appt tomorrow.....