Goodbye November

I have to say that November is not my favorite month. Frankly, I am just not in the mood for holiday spirit. I will get there, but as of today, so many things are weighing heavily.

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November 16th

I recently received terrible news impacting my entire family. Incidentally, I learned of this news on the anniversary date of when I was first diagnosed with a brain tumor (16th). The impact of this "new" news on my entire family will be profound and I do not how I will cope.

The worst case scenario is so devastating I cannot even wrap my brain around it (I dislike that expression, by the way, but am not at my most articulate at the moment). The best case scenario is still pretty bad and I feel sick just thinking of it. I have not eaten in a week, save for Thanksgiving, where I ate enough to last a week.

I saw my therapist (expect upcoming posts to reference my therapist a lot) and she just shook her head. One of the take-away points from our session was this: "You cannot do anything but take it day-by-day, you could get hit by a truck tomorrow and all your worry would be wasted." My life is so screwed up right now that the idea of suddenly getting hit by a truck provides some dark, bizarre comfort. Twisted, I know.

I wish I could say more about what exactly I am facing ... because I have a big mouth. I cannot, right now. I am not trying to be cryptic, but for reasons of privacy, life insurance, and family; I cannot. As I go forward and deal with this, I will figure what I can and cannot say. Right now, I am still guarded.

A handful of very close friends know what I am referring to. To those people, thank you for your support and your love. I am fortunate to have such wonderful people close to me. Your support has helped me through so much.

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Neurology

My neurologist is not encouraged by my latest neurology reports.

My fine motor skills in my left hand are decreasing, I have trouble typing with the left, and my tremor is increasing. My gross motor skills are not looking much better, I trip often and bump into things with my left side. (You would think that I would have stopped wearing high heels, I have not. I told Jeff if high heels are going to be my ultimate downfall, so be it.)

My speech seems impaired; occasionally, I mix-up words and slur. My thoughts, both internal and spoken, are not as fluid as I would like them to be. I am mixing up peoples' names, I keep calling Jeff's boss the name of his former boss, from seven years ago. I cannot add in my head or spell out loud. Whether this is clinically significant or not remains to be seen, I could never really add in my head; it is a well-known fact lawyers are miserable at math. My short-term memory is shot, I cannot recall things from hour-to-hour. I am scared of losing my mental capacity and of increased cognitive decline; if I can brag about one thing, I would say that I have a good brain (well, except for the tumor and cognitive impairment).

My driving skills are questionable. I have stopped driving at night, because the headlights are disorienting, or on highways. There are no mandated medical limits on my driving, at this point, my restrictions are self-imposed based on what I feel comfortable with. This varies day-to-day depending on how my vision seems.

There will be more testing. I should know more about neuro deficits in upcoming months. Before, I'd sort of mentally delineated my life in six-month chunks, between serial brain MRIs. I could plan six-months at a time and that helped me not to get overwhelmed with the enormity of the unknown future beyond that.

For the foreseeable future, I think my long-range planning will be in three-month intervals. I can deal with three-months at a time. The thing with neurology is that there is a lot of watching to see what will happen, what will the brain do over time? How bad is the recent test result compared to several months ago?

That is hard for me. I am not a good watcher. Or waiter. I am a big fan of instant immediate gratification, and that is not how this medical speciality works, much to my frustration.

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Housekeeping

The name of this blog may soon be changing. Since I am not currently practicing, it seems inaccurate to hold myself out as a "lawyer." That is the least of my worries, right now, though ... but just an FYI for some housekeeping detail in the future.

I miss my practice. I really do. I miss feeling useful and having clients and person-to-person interaction and having an income. I miss arguing with people that are not Jeff; I am sure he misses that too. I had hoped to get back into it in 2010, but I am not sure, at this point, if a return to practice will ever be possible. This is a loss that I am still grappling with.

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Pain

I am hoping to shift my thinking to a more holiday-oriented frame of mind in upcoming days, but I am not there yet. Many people have remarked that I am usually a positive person, but I am human. And right now, I am overwhelmed, and grieving, for so many things.

And it hurts.