Number One Lovah: A Useful Gift Guide

I’ve had a couple of guy friends ask me recently about the appropriate thing to buy their significant others for Valentine’s Day.  I think that is a tough call, it depends on said significant other.  However, I can give you useful parameters on what NOT to buy to celebrate this most important Day of Love.

She does not want perfume, because if she does want perfume, she will select it for herself.  The perfume aisle is fraught with opportunities for a misstep, and you may be lured into thinking that she wants to smell like Britney Spears.  I can assure you she does not.  Even Britney Spears does not want to smell like Britney Spears.  Nor does she want to smell like Kim Kardashian, who I bet smells like money, Spanx, and soulless dead shark eyes.  A good one to avoid, as well. 

You may think traditional: Chocolates, roses, giant teddy bears.  Chocolates are good for your mom, get your mom those.  She will appreciate your thoughtfulness.  Your significant other, however, will do one of two things with chocolates.  She will eat ALL of them within four minutes, thereby inciting a next day gym-binge and self-loathing, which may or may not be passive-aggressively transferred on to you.  Or she will eat NONE of them.  She will either throw them in the trash once you leave or take them in to her office, thereby wasting your money and effort in picking them out, and also, making her assistant fat.  This is not fair to her assistant.

Roses die and if you buy the $11.99 special from Proflowers, you will be in trouble.  You just will.  If you buy the $140.00 arrangement from Calyx & Corolla, you could have bought jewelry.  As for the giant teddy bear, nobody over the age of twelve wants a giant teddy bear (if you are shopping for a twelve-year-old, please call Dateline.  Immediately.  Chris Hansen wants to speak with you).

Lingerie is a minefield.  You need to be careful.  Unless your significant other is actually a Victoria’s Secret model, she probably does not want to model lingerie for you. Case in point:  First year of law school, ex gives me a Valentine’s gift of lingerie.  Very black, very sheer, the size of an anorexic cocktail napkin, with a picture on the box of Heidi Klum demonstrating what the lingerie will look like when filled with woman (Caution: Objects on box may be larger than they appear).  I had just recovered from a bad cold and was in the throes of working on my Moot Court competition appellate brief.  I had subsisted on nothing but 3 am pizza, Mallomars, Adderall, and instant coffee packets for the past month.  While I could provide a semi-intelligent discourse on Amalgamated Food Employees Union Local 590 v. Logan Valley Plaza, Inc., 391 U.S. 308 (1968), if you had asked me how to spell the word “gym”, I would have looked at you blankly and drooled. 

Heidi sent me over the edge.  I locked myself in the bathroom with the box, stared deeply into her judgmental boobs, and started crying.  Probably not the desired reaction. (Note: This was not the sole reason this person eventually became an ex, but when I was doing the cost-benefit analysis, this would have gone on the “con” list). Consider the context.  I would have been much happier with a pair of Pajama Jeans and matching faux-denim scrunchie.

So far, I have been using the feminine gender. Perhaps you are a male shopping for a male significant other?  I live with three males – one human, two furry – and in my experience, males enjoy rearranging their … stuff.  And I don’t think they sell gift cards for that.  Forget it; you’re on your own here.

Ok – so we’ve covered the basics on what NOT to gift.  What TO gift?  Here is a simple flow chart:

Is she a woman?  YES!  Does she have children?  NO! Then get her something sparkly.  This could be a unicorn, a bedazzled t-shirt that reads “Number One Lovah”, or perhaps jewelry.  The sky is the limit.  Use your discretion.

Is he a man?  YES!  Ok then, he wants balls.  Interpret as you see fit.

Is she a woman!  YES!  Does she have children?  YES!  Then she wants thirty minutes, alone, in the bathroom, with nobody knocking on the door, barking, or asking “What are those called?” That is all.  If feeling ambitious, you may also want to throw in a meal prepared not-by-her that does not include the words “cheez”, “nugget”, or “dog.” 

So, there you go.  Thank me and Heidi Klum for our no-fail gift guide for the holiday!  Go forth and shop.  I wish you well.  

 PS She’d LOVE the unicorn!