Crazy Like A Fox

I have not posted in awhile. I have been busy setting up my office. After working for a big firm and a small firm and a judge and even the Discovery Channel (Yes -- I am name-dropping and No -- I did not get to go down in those cool shark cages with the Great Whites), I am out on my own. For better or for worse. If you have a phone, you have a lawyer. Call me.

On a non-self-promotional note, I have also been busy helping my son apply and interview for colleges. And by colleges, I mean kindergarten. Haven't you heard - first grade is the new Masters program? To those who have children still sucking on pacifiers, you'd better hurry up and make sure your kid has all of his or her pre-reqs completed. AP Physics by age three is de rigeur, these days.

Of course, my husband and I have different philosophies about private school v. public school. We, in fact, have different philosophies on pretty much anything involving money. He thinks public school is superior because it is - in a word - free. I think private school is superior because it is - in a word - expensive.

Actually, truth be told, public school would be fine and dandy for our little Einstein if safety were not such a concern. Serious issue alert: Ethan has a life-threatening allergy to peanuts and tree-nuts. This means that if he eats even a minute smidgen of something with nuts or that "may contain" nuts or that has rubbed against a nut and has some nutty-like residue on it, his whole body can crash, resulting in shock and heart-stopping, throat-closing death within minutes. Emergency treatment of such an allergic reaction requires giving him a shot in the thigh (or many shots in the thigh) of epinephrine and calling 911 for advanced life support. My little guy does not go ANYWHERE without four syringes of epinephrine and a cell phone.

My issue with the public school is that they agree to keep his epinephrine but will LOCK it up in the nurse's office, which is open at all times, EXCEPT when the door is shut and locked for one hour a day while the nurse is at lunch. I get it - they lock it because it is a needle and medicine and kids will be kids - BUT if your kid were on the ground turning blue, would you be happy about this? What happens when the nurse calls in sick and nobody can find the key? Or is out having a smoke and nobody can find the key? Or her car gets a flat and she is five minutes late and nobody can find the key? It is simply unacceptable.

There are a couple of private schools that do not lock up the epinephrine but instead will keep it on the teacher's person. And can provide a nut-free cafeteria. And seem more than willing to work with us on not killing our kid. It took the public school FIVE days to call me back and then I was told they understand Ethan has a life-threatening medical condition and want to meet with us to review emergency plans and are really happy to do so - but they are currently busy with testing - so maybe we can get together in mid-May?

So, now all my lawyer-like hackles are raised, combined with all my mommy-like hackles. I am yelling "ADA and 504s" and want to take reasonable steps and start writing letters and calling higher-ups and storming the Board of Ed and setting fires, but Jeff placated a bit. This, I should note, AFTER he said that I need to calm down because "confrontation is my middle name [direct quote]." To which I calmly and rationally replied, "What the F*** do you mean by THAT?!!!!!" And then he hid in the guest room. For the next three weeks. So, that went well. Communication is the key to a healthy marriage.

But now we are all "Look, schools! Happy happy family!" and are moving on to the parent interview section of the private school admission process - meaning schools interview the parents, not the other way around. I really hope there will not be an oral math section; I am not strong with computing fractions in my head. Jeff got new shoes and I got eight new suits because nothing I owned matched his new shoes. I hope they like us!!!

If not, have you heard about that lunatic setting fires at the Board of Ed? A travesty, really.