Word To The Mother

I have a new position, one that I do not plan to take lightly.

Wait for it, wait for it ... OK, ready? Is the suspense too much yet?! I thought so!

I have been anointed the official ROOM MOTHER of Ethan's class. Can you believe it!? Sometimes dreams do come true, if you wish hard enough and dream big.

A few housekeeping details: from now on, I would prefer to be greeted as My Lady, The Room Mother. Although I will also answer to Your Highness, Her Highness-ness. I will NOT answer to "Hey Sweet T-ts!", despite what those friendly construction workers I saw on my morning walk would have you believe.

Aside from proper use of title, it would also be lovely if you could commence the greeting with an appropriate recognition of my preeminence. A curtsy would be nice, from the ladies, a traditional bow from the gentleman will be sufficient.

There was some discussion of appropriate attire this morning. Ethan decided that the tiara I planned to wear on daily outings might be too intimidating to the common parents, and I understand that. We decided that I will save the tiara only for special Room Mother Holidays (those of my choosing; for example, Tuesdays!). Or just when I want to feel fancy. Since I AM THE ROOM MOTHER, I have that power!

But do not think I will allow this rush of power to go to my head. No, I am grounded and am fully prepared to handle my apple juice pouring responsibilities with grace, poise and fairness. Even if your child is the class nose picker.

One friendly suggestion, it might be in your best interest to treat me kindly for the next nine months. I will not say that I would accept bribes, per se, that would be improper. But if a stray container of homemade brownies, or say, a gift card for spa treatments HAPPENS to find its way into Ethan's backpack on the way home from school, who am I to reject the kindness of others?

As for those that do not follow the rules, and there are always a few, I would hate for your child to "accidentally" receive only half a graham cracker at snack time. I'm not one to make empty threats, so consider yourself on notice.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

As you can see, Ethan was just as elated as I was about the first day of school.

No Need To Panic

You are a concerned people. I like that about you. I've received many emails in the past couple of weeks.

Why no blog?

It has been over a month now since you have posted!

And my favorite: What about your Canadian fans!?!

So this one is for you, Canada. I have visited you only once, during a flight layover that somehow ended up 300 miles north of my destination, and in the wrong country. I very much enjoyed your TGI Fridays, they serve delicious mozzarella sticks.

I have not had much to say. Correction, I have had MUCH to say. One of those periods where everyday life is a lead blanket. A family member went through a crisis this summer and being supportive has sucked all of the oxygen out of me. Those close to me in real life know exactly what I am referring to. But in the interest of preservation of privacy and family relations, that is all I am going to say about that.

Rapid change of gears, hope you've taken your Adderall this morning to follow along … School has started. Let me rephrase that: SCHOOL HAS STARTED!!!!!!!!!!!! There, that's more like it.

This was the first summer I have ever stayed home with Ethan. I went back to work when he was a few months old, so he has always been enrolled in some combination of care/preschool/camp from June to August. Let me tell you this, it is much easier to be an excellent patient parent from the hours of seven A.M. to eight A.M. and then again from six P.M. to eight P.M. then it is from seven A.M. to eight P.M. with no break in between. Stay-at-home momness is no joke.

Luckily, there were many valuable course lessons available to occupy our time this summer.

Summer Session Part II:

The Water In The Toilet Is Not The Same As The Water That Comes Out Of The Sink Faucet (101).

Six-Year-Olds Are Not Allowed In The Bathroom When Mom Is Showering: This Will Not Change No Matter How Many Times You Bang On the Door (Audited).

Intro to Personal Space and Indoor Noise Control (he dropped this class when he found out there was a lab involved).

Hands Out Of Your Pants – That Is For Private Time! – And Do Not Argue The Mall Is 'Private' Just Because You Are Standing In The Corner (Advanced, for grad school credit).

I, too, had a few lessons this summer that were new to me. My favorite was a seminar, Wearing Crocs In Public: Comfortable Fashion Choice or Statement to the World "Why Yes, I HAVE Completely Given Up On Life."

I am happy to report I earned an "A."